Almost five years later, and I still feel guilty. Losing my job, then my unemployment (god forbid I freelance and dutifully enter earned wages each week, they'll still screw you over), then losing the food stamps made for some serious stress. Fortunately, I got the unemployment back but sans the five weeks they took to realize I was completely honest and straightforward about anything I earned. My milk went completely down. Ollie started losing weight and I sit here feeling guilty.
I should be able to feed my kid but my body is failing me. I can't chill out. There's too much that can go wrong. I made it six months breastfeeding, that's more than I got with E. He only had pumped breast milk. But I still can't shake that failed feeling. It feels selfish to stop. I should be able to feed my kid.
He's happy getting a bottle (now). He's plumping up and happy. I have frozen stuff but its not the same. I'm still hanging on but even with fenugreek, I can only muster enough for a 3 to 4oz bottle two times a day.
I know I shouldn't feel this way. As long as he eats and is gaining, I should be happy. It shouldn't matter that it is from a bottle. I adore the bonding we get. I never got that with E. I was so proud to have gotten it this time. And I keep going back to that first well baby visit, seeing the weight gain and thinking, I did that. I sustained a whole life on just me.
So why does the same stuff in bottle feel like I'm giving up?
I know I have to do whatever is best for the baby. I know it's not really failure. I just don't want to feel like I did this wrong.