Three things.

Stealing a bit from Mr. Wally Lamb, I know three things that are true.

1. I got laid off.
2. I can't count calories without feeling cornered.
3. I have gained 10 pounds.

Now, I'm pretty sure 1 and 3 have a lot to with each other. And 2 and 3 also go hand in hand. Put all of them together, and it's a recipe for disaster.

We're going to skip number one for now and head straight to number two. (hehehehe. Yes. I'm 12. Forgive me.) I tried to count calories again. Not to lose weight while I'm still nursing, but mainly to keep things in check. Let's not go crazy with the food, right? I faithfully counted my calories, telling myself not to stress when I got close to the limit. 100 or 200 over a night won't kill me. This isn't for weight loss, just for a reality check.

Each time I got close to that limit, I felt OBLIGATED to go over it. I couldn't see that line and not leap over it like a crazy woman. I used the excuse of nursing mother in my head. But the reality was, I just couldn't handle being limited in any way. I KNEW I didn't need that bowl of shredded wheat. I couldn't stop myself from having it. I wanted to sabotage each and every day for myself. This isn't my first trouble-filled endeavor when it comes to calorie counting. In fact, I'm pretty consistent with how I behave. Why I thought this time would be different, I don't know.

Now we come to number three in my list of things I know are true. I'm right back at my pre-pregnancy weight. I know that doesn't sound bad, but three weeks ago, I was 10 pounds LESS than my pre-pregnancy weight. I was rather pleased with myself. That, unfortunately, didn't last long. See number two. (hehehehe. Okay. I'll stop. I promise. Maybe.) Every time I hit close to that limit, I ate. And ate. And ate. And guess what. I stepping on old George and he gave me the numerical middle finger. Not that I didn't deserve it.

Now we come to number one. Here I sit. On my ass. Stocked with a ridiculous amount of food care of my new jobless status, WIC and the state SNAP program. I can now afford to buy the good stuff. Greek yogurt, fresh veggies and fruit, cheese and milk. Delicious, wonderful milk. Keep in mind, none of the food in my house is necessarily bad for you food. It's all natural, and in a lot of cases as organic as I could get it. We're not talking cases of cookies and cake and snack foods. But still, I ate it. I ate because I was bored. I ate because I didn't know what to do with my hands. I ate because I was sad about losing my job. I ate because I could.

And for that, I have to pay the price. 10 pounds I didn't want, but I sure did deserve.