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I can't seem to be comfortable in my own skin. I know this is a happy occasion. I know the reason my body is expanding, but I can't seem to get it to sit right in my head.
I'm still checking the scale. (I know, I know. It's supposed to be hiding under the armoire.) What's funny is, I've only gained one pound or so from the last doctor's weigh in, but I feel HUGE. Even the "fat" pants are still falling off of me. (Although that might be because I can't button them.) I can't wrap my head around gaining weight through this pregnancy. Or staying the same weight and still expanding. It doesn't compute. I'm sure maternity clothes might help with that overall feeling, and maybe even mask it a little, but it's not in my budget yet.
I'm really scared this time around. I don't want to balloon up like I did with my first child. When I think of how much I let myself go towards the end, and even after he was born... It was scary. I know I won't ever get back to being 300 lbs. but even coming close to it gives me the sweats. I have so much food and nutrition education in my head, it's hard to even eat the "bad" stuff.
I'm not always eating the best choices, but I'm certainly not overeating, or using it as an excuse to eat an entire pie. I just don't have that much room in my stomach. All of these things should be good things, right? So, why do I feel like such a damn failure when all I'm craving is a Publix Philly Cheese steak sandwich? Why am I still beating myself up for food choices when I'm NOT gaining weight? I feel like I'm doing this huge disservice to my unborn baby because I had a crappy food craving.
Part of me can't wait to start my exercise routine. Part of me is scared that I'm going to use it to stave off gaining weight. I want this to be a healthy pregnancy, and I know some weight gain (even at my size) is going to happen. I want to be okay with it, and I'm terrified I'm going to fall back into my old, compulsive ways about exercising and tracking my weight.
How do you go from a "healthy lifestyle" of losing weight, to a healthy lifestyle of gaining it? I don't have a magic solution here. I don't even have any good ideas. I have to get this out of my head.