Friday, May 6, 2011

Guest Post: Who Knows?

Meet Fatty Made A Funny: A 36 year old wife of the hunk of my dreams and mother to the 2 coolest boys in the South!  Born and raised in the great state of Texas and living just outside of San Antonio in the Hill Country.  I run the family business with my father and all the stress that comes with it.  I'm a little too loud and a little too opinionated and way to fluffy, but I'm working on the fluff and hey - 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

You know how many people in my daily life know how much I weigh? 4, maybe 5 - and that includes my husband and my mother.

You know how many people in my daily life know that I have spent most of my life secretly binge eating? 2 - my husband and my mother.

You know how many people in my life know the pain that comes with every bite of food I have? None.

You know how many of my tweeps and blends know these things about me? Anyone who has or ever will seen my tweets or read my blog.

There seems to be a little disconnect in my life - how about yours?

Are you fully honest with the people in your daily life? Are you one person off-line and another on-line?

I can honestly say I am the same person on and off, but I know I am not fully forth coming in my daily life. Why is it so hard to be completely honest with the people closest to you? Why is it so easy to share such intimate information with people whose eyes you have never looked in to, whose hands you have never shook?

Is it fear? I think so, at least partially. Fear of what will be said, fear of seeing an expression of disgust or pity. If it turns in to a bad situation, or a painful situation I fear I will have to relive the pain every time I come in contact with that person.

Is it vanity? Possibly, for me probably. I imagine it seems odd for a person who started this journey at 365 pounds to have any vanity at all - but I do. You'd have to be blind to not know I am fat, but there is some place deep down inside me that believes something isn't 100% true until it is spoken. We used to have a dog that would cover her eyes with her paws when she was being scolded - if she couldn't see you, surely you couldn't see her - apparently I spent a little too much time with the family pets.

Is it shame? Definitely. I have so much shame packed so deeply into my body that actually speaking those words makes me physically ill. Admitting what I have done to myself, knowing how they think I've gotten here - it is just too much handle. I am ashamed of not having anymore self control than I do. I am ashamed of not caring enough about myself to want more. I am just ashamed.

I don't know why it is so much easier here, with all of you - but I know how much it means to me.

I haven't shook the hands of any of my tweeps or blends (not yet anyway), but your comments and support and words of encouragement mean as much to me as a hug by my best friend.

Do the people in your daily life know the whole truth about who you are? If they do - bravo to you! And if they don't - what keeps you from sharing with them?


ragemichelle said...

This is a BEAUTIFUL post.

I am NOT always the same person online or on my blog that I am in the meat world. I'm much more 'who I really am' online (in some ways) I get to shed my insecurities and the constraints that go along with my self-imposed 'what I should do and what I shouldn't do'.

On the other hand, I'm probably nicer in real life than I am online. Except for when I'm not.

Thanks for this! It's a wonderful and honest post.

Leaving Fatville said...

Ok, I can't stop laughing at "meat world." That is simply the best description, ever.

I'm not the same online as I am in real life. Online, I'm bubbly, outgoing and friendly. In real life, I'm shy, awkward and quiet. (Until you get to know me, then I'm just loud. Very loud.) I've just recently revealed this blog on my real Facebook with my friends and family. The reveal was extremely uneventful. In fact, I'm pretty sure no one noticed. And to be completely truthful, I'm pretty okay with that. I like having my somewhat secret online life.

katdoesdiets said...

I feel like I can be myself on my blog and online in a way I can't in my real life. Sad. But true. I feel judged by people IRL and accepted by people online.

Yum Yucky said...

One of the reasons I started my blog is because the people around me didn't care to listen to my passions. It was frustrating, so put it on the blog. Best decision ever. I thank God for my peeps and tweeps who share my common interests AND struggles. And yes, I'm the same person offline. But I don't know if that's a good or bad thing? hehe. said...

I love this post - everything you say resonates with me. I never admitted to anyone how I felt or what I weighed or how I binged, but now I am about 50% through my weight loss journey, I'll happily admit to how much I've lost...although I'd never tell real people the sorry tale of how I got to my starting weight.

During a group counselling session I went to, someone made a very good point (IMHO)when asked what their motivation for losing weight was - she said "I'm ashamed of being overweight, not because of the way that I look (because I think I look after myself and dress nicely) but because I'm at a point now where my body displays the pain I'm in emotionally. You can see that I overeat, and I feel exposed. I hate that people know I have problems". I think I got it almost word for word, I remember the moment so clearly!

Lily Fluffbottom said...

My name isn't even real online so I can be honest about my daily life without actually having to own up to it. There is a huge disconnect. But I need that additional space to feel like myself. And I'm done with allowing guilt and shame to rule my life. That's not why I do it. Some people just don't need to know, and those that do, will find it on their own.

lanae said...

Wow what a heartfelt post. And no I'm not open about my weight. Somehow I'm just not there and very few people know about my blog from my daily life. I think you've conjured up some soul searching that I need to do.

Tara said...

First: Ninja UFC fighting is so effin on in our room! Bring nunchucks!

Second: I am absolutely not honest with the people in my immediate life. I am now paying the consequences for it (more to come later). I feel like they wouldn't get me. I feel exposed and vulnerable here in my existence but out in bloggerverse it's different. I'm understood. There is comfort and support. There is a love and acceptance I didn't think was available to me.

Third: nunchucks.

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